The Pursuit of Good Enough

Perfectionism was instilled in me at an early age. I don't know how or when it took hold of me. It may have to do with the fact that I am the oldest child in my family. I also think school, religion, and society all played a part.

I realize now that I pursued perfectionism in order to feel worthy. One experience showed me how deeply damaging this mindset is. About ten years ago, I was visiting my family of origin. At this time a few of my siblings still lived at home. I got into an argument with one of my brothers. My mother got angry with me and took his side. My first thought was, "If I was perfect, no one would ever get angry with me again." I immediately recognized how dysfunctional that belief was. I have used perfectionism as a shield, as a way to distance myself from people, as a way to prevent criticism and as a way to cultivate self-worth.

I am currently reading "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron for the third time. This week's reading deals with perfectionism. The need for perfectionism has long kept me from being as creative as I want to be. I want to do everything perfectly the first time. Cameron writes, "To the perfectionist, there is always room for improvement. The perfectionist calls this humility. In reality, it is egotism. It is pride that makes us want to write a perfect script, paint a perfect painting, perform a perfect audition monologue. Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells ut that nothing we do will ever be good enough--we should try again." In Brene Brown's work, she emphasizes how vital it is for us to accept what is good enough in our lives, to believe that we are good enough right now. I am working on seeing my art as good enough. I have yet to believe that I am good enough. Seth Godin's "The Icarus Deception" pretty much hit me over the head with brilliant quotes such as this: "You can risk being wrong or you can be boring." Ah, I see now, perfect is boring. I try to remember this whenever I do creative work.

Here's an incomplete list of the ways I am imperfect. I am listing things that I try desperately to hide. I am too fearful to list them all.
1. My abdomen and thighs are chubby.
2. I don't clean my house as much as I think I should. I may go two or three weeks without cleaning the bathroom. I mop the floors every few months. I rarely deep clean.
3. My teeth are yellowing and a few are slightly crooked. I have not had them perfected but it seems that most people I know have and it makes me feel inferior.
4. I feel scared when I have to call someone I don't know and I trip over my words. I have lost opportunities by choosing not to make a phone call.
5. I perspire too much.
6. I am not good at sewing even though I studied apparel design in college.
7. My hair has thinned.
8. I have hair growing in places I wish it wouldn't.
9. I'm scared to speak up for myself with the people I am closest to.
10. I often mispronounce words and feel very embarrassed when caught.

I need to learn to accept these imperfections. I think that is a long way off. In the future I plan to explore  how our society expects perfectionism and how that hurts those of us who buy into that.