I'm not close to these relatives. Some of them have led unconventional, troubled lives. I judged them for this when I was younger. To my surprise, as soon as I arrived at my grandmother's house (command central for the gathering of family), everything in me shifted. For the first time I saw my relatives for who they really are and I saw the pain they carry with them.
Aunt #1 has unique views, strong opinions, and easily hurts feelings (although I argue that each person chooses to let her or his feelings to be hurt). I assumed this aunt didn't like me, so I walked in with my defenses up. It didn't take long for those defenses to disappear. I saw my aunt for the kind, generous person she is. I know she would do anything for anyone.
Aunt #3 has taken in several children over the years and become "mother, "grandmother," or "godmother" to them. She helps rear these children part time, assisting the children's parents. I used to think it was strange. Who would choose to have extra children around? Now I see my aunt for the saint she is. She is helping children who need a little extra love in their lives. What a profound impact that makes on society.
Some of my cousins were there too, one I hadn't seen in 16 years. I don't have much in common with this particular cousin, but I didn't let that bother me this time. She was rather miserable being around the family and voiced some of her frustration to me. Instead of focusing on her coarse, often negative personality, I saw her as the hurt child she is. I saw the heartache and disappointment that come from having a father (my uncle) who didn't have the skills and/or will to be a good father.
One evening, my cousin and Aunt #1 got in a fight about the uncle previously mentioned. I was literally in the middle of it, as I was sitting between them. They yelled back and forth several times until my cousin stormed out of the house. Aunt #1 was sad. I knew these two people really needed to talk things over. I reluctantly said to my aunt, "May I please give you some unsolicited advice?" She said sure. I told her that what she was saying to my cousin wasn't helping. I told her to go to my cousin and simply say, "Tell me about it." I told my aunt to listen. Aunt #1 softened and said, "I just love her so much. She means the world to me." I said, "Then tell her that." Aunt #1 replied, "Oh she knows." I countered, "She doesn't know unless you tell her." Aunt #1 went outside and she and my cousin talked for over an hour, which healed things between them.
My mother, who witnessed all of this, told me that she often wants to give Aunt #1 unsolicited advice the way I did. My mother said, "I can't do that, though." I smiled and said, "You can do that. It just takes practice. And you need to say it with love." Aunt #2 heard about the episode after the fact and was surprised that I spoke up to Aunt #1. She asked, "How did you do that?!"
I have spent my life building walls between me and other people, judging them, holding grudges, getting angry. I have lashed out with cruel words. These feelings are like poison that I have wanted to rid myself of for years. My experience at the funeral was transforming. It was revolutionary for me to see my relatives' pain instead of their flaws. I no longer judged them. It was a profound, peaceful feeling to be relieved of the burden of judging. I see now that there is absolute freedom in approaching people this way: with love, compassion, patience and zero judgment.
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