This is what Mr. F said to me today. He was complimenting me on speaking up last week. You see, I joined a new gym last week and had my first personal training session. Mr. F, who is co-owner of the gym, was my trainer. At one point, he walked past a female patron who obviously had recent breast implants. Mr. F commented on how good they look. She said, "Thanks, they'll settle down eventually." She was referring to the buoyant nature of her new breasts. Mr. F replied, "I want to see pictures of the surgery." The woman did not respond and I imagined that she felt uncomfortable. For the next hour I developed bad thoughts about this man and decided I would not work with him again. I questioned if I wanted to continue going to this new gym.
After my session was over, I got on the elliptical machine. I spent my time formulating a comment to Mr. F. It made me nervous for sure, but I felt I had a solid statement. I'm practicing speaking up more and this was a golden opportunity.
I reluctantly walked into Mr. F's office. I said, "It's not okay to talk to women about their breasts. It made me uncomfortable and I think it made her uncomfortable." He said, "Oh, she and I have been friends for years. It's not like I walked up to someone on the street and commented on her breasts." He launched into her traumatic past and her recent surgeries, which she told him all about. He told me he didn't think she was uncomfortable. This was a scenario I had not anticipated. I felt foolish and embarrassed. I wanted to slither away. Mr. F apologized for making me feel uncomfortable and I said it was okay, now that he had explained. I was sure he viewed me as the loathsome, politically correct feminist despised by all.
Shortly after I returned home, Mr. F called me. I didn't answer the first time. Why couldn't he leave me alone?! I answered the second time. He told me that he called that female patron, his friend, to apologize. Of course she claimed it was all silly and she wasn't uncomfortable. After all, she had been the one to bring up the surgery in the first place. Mr. F thanked me for speaking up because he learned something new. He realized that, as a new patron, I don't know everyone and he should have been professional. He was able to "step outside the box" as he put it to see how I felt about the situation. He understood why I was uncomfortable. I assured him I felt okay about the situation. I made sure not to apologize for speaking up in the first place. That was important to me.
Today was my first time back at the gym since that cringe-worthy experience. Mr. F came up to me to say hi. He thanked me again for speaking up. He said it was great that I did it in a polite way, not yelling and getting angry. He said, "If more people spoke up, this world would be a better place. How can I change something if someone doesn't bring it to my attention? I really respect what you did." I replied, "And I'm glad that I didn't walk away with the wrong impression of you. If I didn't speak up, it would have festered inside me."
I share this story as inspiration to others who want to speak up. It was definitely not the perfect situation. Speaking up won't always turn out well or feel comfortable. I encourage you to do it anyway--politely, succinctly, without apology. In our culture, women are expected to keep quiet. We need to rebel against that. Change the world by speaking up.
What I like about this story is that, although the scenario didn't turn out as you thought, it still mattered that you spoke up. If you had done it in an obnoxious way, you most assuredly wouldn't have had the same response from him. But because you were honest and polite, it caused a good change to occur and mutual understanding. I wish that more people would have exchanges like this when something happens. If you are kind-hearted in all your interactions, and honest too, then you've done your best. In this case, luckily the recipient was open-hearted enough to accept his mistake too. Bravo!
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