Judge Not = Freedom

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau

I recently traveled for a family funeral and had the opportunity to see many relatives I hadn't seen in years. My parents were there too. I was looking forward to the trip but felt a little apprehensive about navigating the family dynamics.

I'm not close to these relatives. Some of them have led unconventional, troubled lives. I judged them for this when I was younger. To my surprise, as soon as I arrived at my grandmother's house (command central for the gathering of family), everything in me shifted. For the first time I saw my relatives for who they really are and I saw the pain they carry with them.

Aunt #1 has unique views, strong opinions, and easily hurts feelings (although I argue that each person chooses to let her or his feelings to be hurt). I assumed this aunt didn't like me, so I walked in with my defenses up. It didn't take long for those defenses to disappear. I saw my aunt for the kind, generous person she is. I know she would do anything for anyone.

Aunt #3 has taken in several children over the years and become "mother, "grandmother," or "godmother" to them. She helps rear these children part time, assisting the children's parents. I used to think it was strange. Who would choose to have extra children around? Now I see my aunt for the saint she is. She is helping children who need a little extra love in their lives. What a profound impact that makes on society.

Some of my cousins were there too, one I hadn't seen in 16 years. I don't have much in common with this particular cousin, but I didn't let that bother me this time. She was rather miserable being around the family and voiced some of her frustration to me. Instead of focusing on her coarse, often negative personality, I saw her as the hurt child she is. I saw the heartache and disappointment that come from having a father (my uncle) who didn't have the skills and/or will to be a good father.

One evening, my cousin and Aunt #1 got in a fight about the uncle previously mentioned. I was literally in the middle of it, as I was sitting between them. They yelled back and forth several times until my cousin stormed out of the house. Aunt #1 was sad. I knew these two people really needed to talk things over. I reluctantly said to my aunt, "May I please give you some unsolicited advice?" She said sure. I told her that what she was saying to my cousin wasn't helping. I told her to go to my cousin and simply say, "Tell me about it." I told my aunt to listen. Aunt #1 softened and said, "I just love her so much. She means the world to me." I said, "Then tell her that." Aunt #1 replied, "Oh she knows." I countered, "She doesn't know unless you tell her." Aunt #1 went outside and she and my cousin talked for over an hour, which healed things between them.

My mother, who witnessed all of this, told me that she often wants to give Aunt #1 unsolicited advice the way I did. My mother said, "I can't do that, though." I smiled and said, "You can do that. It just takes practice. And you need to say it with love." Aunt #2 heard about the episode after the fact and was surprised that I spoke up to Aunt #1. She asked, "How did you do that?!"

I have spent my life building walls between me and other people, judging them, holding grudges, getting  angry. I have lashed out with cruel words. These feelings are like poison that I have wanted to rid myself of for years. My experience at the funeral was transforming. It was revolutionary for me to see my relatives' pain instead of their flaws. I no longer judged them. It was a profound, peaceful feeling to be relieved of the burden of judging. I see now that there is absolute freedom in approaching people this way: with love, compassion, patience and zero judgment.

The Pursuit of Good Enough

Perfectionism was instilled in me at an early age. I don't know how or when it took hold of me. It may have to do with the fact that I am the oldest child in my family. I also think school, religion, and society all played a part.

I realize now that I pursued perfectionism in order to feel worthy. One experience showed me how deeply damaging this mindset is. About ten years ago, I was visiting my family of origin. At this time a few of my siblings still lived at home. I got into an argument with one of my brothers. My mother got angry with me and took his side. My first thought was, "If I was perfect, no one would ever get angry with me again." I immediately recognized how dysfunctional that belief was. I have used perfectionism as a shield, as a way to distance myself from people, as a way to prevent criticism and as a way to cultivate self-worth.

I am currently reading "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron for the third time. This week's reading deals with perfectionism. The need for perfectionism has long kept me from being as creative as I want to be. I want to do everything perfectly the first time. Cameron writes, "To the perfectionist, there is always room for improvement. The perfectionist calls this humility. In reality, it is egotism. It is pride that makes us want to write a perfect script, paint a perfect painting, perform a perfect audition monologue. Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells ut that nothing we do will ever be good enough--we should try again." In Brene Brown's work, she emphasizes how vital it is for us to accept what is good enough in our lives, to believe that we are good enough right now. I am working on seeing my art as good enough. I have yet to believe that I am good enough. Seth Godin's "The Icarus Deception" pretty much hit me over the head with brilliant quotes such as this: "You can risk being wrong or you can be boring." Ah, I see now, perfect is boring. I try to remember this whenever I do creative work.

Here's an incomplete list of the ways I am imperfect. I am listing things that I try desperately to hide. I am too fearful to list them all.
1. My abdomen and thighs are chubby.
2. I don't clean my house as much as I think I should. I may go two or three weeks without cleaning the bathroom. I mop the floors every few months. I rarely deep clean.
3. My teeth are yellowing and a few are slightly crooked. I have not had them perfected but it seems that most people I know have and it makes me feel inferior.
4. I feel scared when I have to call someone I don't know and I trip over my words. I have lost opportunities by choosing not to make a phone call.
5. I perspire too much.
6. I am not good at sewing even though I studied apparel design in college.
7. My hair has thinned.
8. I have hair growing in places I wish it wouldn't.
9. I'm scared to speak up for myself with the people I am closest to.
10. I often mispronounce words and feel very embarrassed when caught.

I need to learn to accept these imperfections. I think that is a long way off. In the future I plan to explore  how our society expects perfectionism and how that hurts those of us who buy into that.